Threat of drowning
It comes and goes, this whole depressive thing that I've got going on.
There are days, weeks when I'm all buoyant and upbeat. But I tread carefully, always thankful for another good day, and ever alert to the threat of drowning which dogs my every step, barely flickering at the edge of my vision. Then suddenly, the shadow-like dark wave surges and threatens to engulf me. And I tread water furiously, desperate to remain afloat.
After a few good weeks, I was ambushed today. From a completely unexpected angle.
It seems that I am only ever upset about two things - work and boys. Well, family as well. But time and distance has done much to give me peace of mind on that front. But recently, boys (one boy in particular) have given me more pain, so I have mainly defended against and assault on that front, and I have been extra vigilant of late for fear that I might succumb to the threat of the black month of love.
Instead, I was dealt a low blow. To the pit of my stomach. Right at the start of dinner, a conversation about work, colleagues, reviews, prospects.
I lost my appetite, and truly felt like I was about to drown. Buried by layers upon layers of dark water that sealed off the open sky, sucked by gravity and evil into an underwater grave.
What scares me the most, is how sudden and persistent these attacks are. They can descend any time, and with great violence, like the mongol hordes. And worse, they almost invariably revolve around one of the three main themes or a combination thereof. I'm getting tired of dealing with the same crap day after day, month after month, year after year, epoch after epoch.
The truth is, I'm a pretty insecure person. As a child, I knew I had a bad case of inferiority complex, although the world at large perceived me as being a fairly confident person, just prone to mood swings.
The reality was that my volatility was a function of my deep-seated insecurity. I could (and can) be very high-strung, and sometimes the smallest things could send me into tailspin. And then I would have to battle against the onslaught of depression. There were fairly frequent minor skirmishes. But once in a blueish moon - either a couple of times a year, or once every few years depending on the phase of my life - there would be a real threat of drowning. Before I started working, the last serious bout was in 2002, when I was visiting SW in Cornell. It was my first major depression in what felt like a long time (despite the fact that I had been very volatile and depressed over my break-up in the previous 12 months, because that is a completely different experience), and I felt like I wanted to die, which is a terrible way to feel.
I think it's crazy, that I'm still so insecure, after so many years. In many ways, as I've said, I have come a long way and become so much more confident and self-assured. And the fact is, I'm a young, attractive, intelligent girl. I should be happy, enjoying life. I have my life ahead of me, potentially the world at my feet. And yet all I can do is compare myself to the people around me, a lot (not all) of whom are ambitious, competitive, intelligent, aggressive - and feel incompetent and inadequate. It's crazy. The worst thing is... at the end of the day, a lot of it boils down to personality fit, luck, very specific strengths/skills that are not the measure of intelligence or ability. And I become depressed because I am perceived in a certain way because of the nature of the job, or of historical reasons, and I feel deeply ennervated. I know this is all ridiculous. It's insane how much of my self-worth is tied up with my work. The first time I was caught out by Cave was also because I was crying over work. It's crazy. I mean, really, I need to keep a sense of perspective.
Maybe I should see a shrink.
...
Or I could write here more often. :)
But seriously. This helps. Just writing it all down. Words words words. Neutralising my fears. I can see them for what they are - paper phantoms.
There are days, weeks when I'm all buoyant and upbeat. But I tread carefully, always thankful for another good day, and ever alert to the threat of drowning which dogs my every step, barely flickering at the edge of my vision. Then suddenly, the shadow-like dark wave surges and threatens to engulf me. And I tread water furiously, desperate to remain afloat.
After a few good weeks, I was ambushed today. From a completely unexpected angle.
It seems that I am only ever upset about two things - work and boys. Well, family as well. But time and distance has done much to give me peace of mind on that front. But recently, boys (one boy in particular) have given me more pain, so I have mainly defended against and assault on that front, and I have been extra vigilant of late for fear that I might succumb to the threat of the black month of love.
Instead, I was dealt a low blow. To the pit of my stomach. Right at the start of dinner, a conversation about work, colleagues, reviews, prospects.
I lost my appetite, and truly felt like I was about to drown. Buried by layers upon layers of dark water that sealed off the open sky, sucked by gravity and evil into an underwater grave.
What scares me the most, is how sudden and persistent these attacks are. They can descend any time, and with great violence, like the mongol hordes. And worse, they almost invariably revolve around one of the three main themes or a combination thereof. I'm getting tired of dealing with the same crap day after day, month after month, year after year, epoch after epoch.
The truth is, I'm a pretty insecure person. As a child, I knew I had a bad case of inferiority complex, although the world at large perceived me as being a fairly confident person, just prone to mood swings.
The reality was that my volatility was a function of my deep-seated insecurity. I could (and can) be very high-strung, and sometimes the smallest things could send me into tailspin. And then I would have to battle against the onslaught of depression. There were fairly frequent minor skirmishes. But once in a blueish moon - either a couple of times a year, or once every few years depending on the phase of my life - there would be a real threat of drowning. Before I started working, the last serious bout was in 2002, when I was visiting SW in Cornell. It was my first major depression in what felt like a long time (despite the fact that I had been very volatile and depressed over my break-up in the previous 12 months, because that is a completely different experience), and I felt like I wanted to die, which is a terrible way to feel.
I think it's crazy, that I'm still so insecure, after so many years. In many ways, as I've said, I have come a long way and become so much more confident and self-assured. And the fact is, I'm a young, attractive, intelligent girl. I should be happy, enjoying life. I have my life ahead of me, potentially the world at my feet. And yet all I can do is compare myself to the people around me, a lot (not all) of whom are ambitious, competitive, intelligent, aggressive - and feel incompetent and inadequate. It's crazy. The worst thing is... at the end of the day, a lot of it boils down to personality fit, luck, very specific strengths/skills that are not the measure of intelligence or ability. And I become depressed because I am perceived in a certain way because of the nature of the job, or of historical reasons, and I feel deeply ennervated. I know this is all ridiculous. It's insane how much of my self-worth is tied up with my work. The first time I was caught out by Cave was also because I was crying over work. It's crazy. I mean, really, I need to keep a sense of perspective.
Maybe I should see a shrink.
...
Or I could write here more often. :)
But seriously. This helps. Just writing it all down. Words words words. Neutralising my fears. I can see them for what they are - paper phantoms.
1 Comments:
I guess some of us, esp gals are just prone to manic depression. For some reasons others would find incomprehensible, but the feeling is real,it is there.
Dear, if u want to talk just call me during your lunch time.
By
vyanne, at 11:11 AM
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